


Last Chance to See

by ViridianPanther



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-20
Updated: 2012-08-20
Packaged: 2017-11-12 12:31:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/491058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ViridianPanther/pseuds/ViridianPanther
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Normandy is thundering for the nearest mass relay, and the final push to Earth is only hours away. Kaidan ponders Shepard as he sleeps, and wonders if this might be the last time he ever gets to hold him, and if this is the last time he'll ever be able to tell him how he loves him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Last Chance to See

"You're making me dizzy, Shepard," Kaidan whispered, closing his eyes as Shepard turned his head a little, kissed him again, laid down beside him on the bed.

It felt too damn hot. The _Normandy_ was rushing to the nearest mass relay at maximum speed, and the air con had been reduced to 30% of its usual strength to free up the amps for the drive core. So it was hot, and humid.

Shepard offered him some water, cold with ice cubes rattling around in the bottom of the cup, and watched intently as Kaidan downed its contents.

"Feeling better?"

"Yeah," Kaidan said, although he still felt a little woozy, and his vision was still a little blurred. "You're exhausted."

Shepard laid on his back and yawned. "Yeah. Long day."

Kaidan checked the clock. 00:38 shiptime. He'd been like this for over thirty hours, but the migraine had now passed, and he had a reasonably clear head, enough vision to admire Shepard as he laid beside him, bathed in half-light, hands locked behind his head and eyes drifting shut through fatigue.

He'd thought, in his crushed teenage years, that he'd never find someone as beautiful as Rahna, with her long hair, her brown eyes and her sweet, quiet laugh. Shepard was different in every way. There was a fine buzz cut wherever Rahna had long, flowing, curly locks. There were bright blue eyes where Rahna's were deep and brown, and skin that was rough, worn and battered where hers was smooth and untouched by the ravages of time.

Shepard's scars were as "fully healed" as Chakwas had said they were going to get, but they were still visible, if you looked closely. Lines, concentric marks, ever so faint but definitely _there_ , glowing orange. They'd frightened Kaidan on Horizon, when he'd first seen Shepard after Cerberus had rebuilt his body… after his clinical brain-death.

Kaidan placed a hand on Shepard's chest, feeling for the slow, gentle rhythm of his heart. This man survived death itself, and he'd stared death in the face more times than anyone should have to.

Kaidan decided, in that instant, that Shepard was the most beautiful person he'd ever known. Every bruise, every scar, every zit and stray hair, the gentle whistling of his breathing—right now, he was as close to perfect as Kaidan could imagine.

Perfect, and precious, and Kaidan was a lucky, lucky man. At the ends of the earth, two men with screwed-up adolescences, just right for each other.

Careful not to disturb Shepard, Kaidan gently rolled off the bed and wandered to the toilet to relieve himself, before tiptoeing back to the bed-side table. He picked up his omni-tool and stood by the desk, before Shepard's collection of carefully-assembled model ships. Omni-tool on silent.

Shepard's assault index stood at 5497. _High probability of success._ High probability. Kaidan ignored the part of him that immediately considered the possibility they'd fail, that tomorrow's—no, _today's_ —final push in London would be the end for both of them, for _them_ as a tangible thing.

They were going to win. And they were both going to come out of this alive, he was certain, even though he was lying to himself. Kaidan checked his credit balance: he had six hundred thousand credits in his savings, and was due a war pension of two thousand per week.

Enough to forge a life for them both. Where, he didn't know, how, he didn't care, and now he found himself examining sparsely-populated real estate listings, dammit, looking up _engagement rings_ even though if he did want some he could forge them in less than a minute with his omni-tool.

How long had this relationship been going? Seven weeks. Seven weeks was nowhere near long enough, far too soon to know if it was a long-laster, let alone marriage material, but Kaidan was certain, more certain than he'd ever been, that he loved Shepard and he wanted to spend his life with him.

However long he had left.

"I thought you said you liked watching me sleep."

Kaidan flinched, turned the omni-tool off, turned to see Shepard smiling up at him from the bed, woozily.

"Yeah." He unwound his omni-tool and knelt on the bed. "I do."

They kissed again, nice and slowly, but Kaidan couldn't shake the feeling, as he reached for the condoms and stroked Shepard's temple, that this might be the last time.

* * *

Kaidan felt Shepard buckle beneath him, with a guttural grunt, and a spasm that was almost, but not quite, a sneeze.

"Are you OK?" he whispered, finding a hand to place on Shepard's cheek, his breath hoarse and both of them sheened with sweat from the exertion.

"Yeah." Shepard titled his head upwards to kiss Kaidan messily on the nose, and let out another growl of pleasure.

Kaidan withdrew, checked the condom had held, which it had; he tied it up and tossed it aside to dispose of shortly. He kissed Shepard again as he rolled onto his back, offered him a tissue to clean up, stood with some effort and headed to the coffee machine. Cold water. With ice. That would do.

Shepard nodded by way of thanks as Kaidan passed him the plastic cup, and sipped as Kaidan headed back into the bathroom. Condom and tissues into the toilet, water from the faucet to rinse his hands and splash his face. His hair was a mess, dampened with his own sweat, and he had to brush a couple of strands (alarmingly grey) from his eyes.

The were times he was tempted to chop it all off, like he'd had it at Jump Zero, but Shepard had told him that he liked Kaidan's hair as it was.

"See something you like, Shepard?" he whispered as he approached the bed again, watching as Shepard's eyes surveyed him over the rim of the translucent cup.

"You could say that." Shepard wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, and reached up to hook an arm round Kaidan's neck as he clambered back onto the bed. A kiss, and another, and a stupid smile that Kaidan had decided was the thing he loved the most about Shepard, his favourite aspect of a man whose very presence intoxicated him.

"You OK?" Kaidan whispered again, lazily tracing the line of Shepard's collarbone with his little finger.

"Yeah."

Kaidan didn't resist as Shepard took him by the shoulders and hauled him close against his chest, nuzzling against the untidy black-and-gray mess of his hair. Humidity be damned, Kaidan wasn't going to waste this opportunity.

"I love you," he whispered, "always have." He peered up into Shepard's eyes: the smile had evaporated, been replaced by that almost-smile, the measured, inert shape of his lips as his eyes surveyed Kaidan, before crinkling into another kind of smile that was new to Kaidan.

"I love you, too."

Kaidan closed his eyes, letting a deep smile form on his lips as he felt Shepard's fingers rake through his hair. They rubbed slowly, impossibly softly against his scalp, before his lips came down for a kiss on the forehead and his other hand came down to stroke Kaidan's chin, and his neck, and his chest, and his cheek again, and Kaidan opened his eyes, tilted his head to the side and kissed the palm of Shepard's hand.

"You're beautiful," he sighed. Shepard snorted almost silently as they rested their foreheads together and closed their eyes.

Kaidan couldn't shake the feeling that this felt like it was the last time. The last chance to listen to Shepard's breathing, and his heartbeat, to feel his fingers in his hair, to breathe in his ragged, metallic smell.

He heard Shepard breathe in, and out, and in again, and whisper in his ear, so quiet that if he hadn't known what he was going to say, he'd have missed it.

"It's gonna be what it is."

And he was right.


End file.
